GTA Vice City: The Life and Times of Mike The Goon
by Tornmuscle
Summary: Inspired by GTA IV's DLC. A parallel story to the original Vice City, starring Mike The Goon, a minor character in VC. Also featuring other minor characters in larger roles, as well as characters mentioned on Vice Citys oficial website. Please R&R.
1. In The Beginning

**Grand Theft Auto Vice City**

**The Life and Times of Mike the Goon**

Mike "The Goon" sat on the steps of Ricardo Diaz's mansion on Starfish Island, Vice City. He was Diaz's bodyguard and hired muscle. He accompanied Diaz on his outings into the city and did various jobs for him. On this particular day, Mike had a fairly simple job to do. Some of Diaz's hitmen were ambushing a drug deal at the docks. Mike's part was simple. Diaz was waiting for a call from one of his hitmen. When he got that call, he would inform Mike of how the ambush had gone. If everything went as planned, which it most likely would, then Mike would drive to the docks, and collect the drugs and money from the hitmen, and deliver it back to a kitchen across town in. Simple.

"Dick-heads!" Said Ricardo Diaz as he came panting out of his front door, "Where the hell are those dick-heads that I pay to hang around my mansion? Do they expect me to deliver messages myself?" Mike stood up and met Diaz at the top of the stairs.

"So is it all good?" Asked Mike.

"Yeah." Replied Diaz, "Everything went as planned. Of course it did! Everything I shit on turns to gold! Leo's waiting in front of the 'Les Cargo' freighter ship down at the docks. He's got the drugs and the money. Big bags of it! It better all be their when I get to it, ok? Pick it up from Leo, then take it back to Eugene's restaurant in Ocean Beach. Unless Leo fucked up big time, there shouldn't be any police attention for at least ten minutes, give or take. Enough time for you to get the goods, and get out. Understand?"

"Ya." Said Mike, "I got it."

"Good." Said Diaz, "Then get on with it. Take my Admiral."

Mike hurried down the stairs and jogged over to Diaz's white Admiral. He opened the door and climbed in. The keys were already in the ignition, ready to go. He started it up, and drove down the driveway. Mike pulled out into the streets of Starfish Island. He put the pedal to the metal and sped west, toward the docks. Before long, Mike arrived at the 'Les Cargo' ship. Leo was nowhere to be seen.

"Shit," said Mike, "where is this guy?" Then, out of nowhere, a man dressed all in black came running towards Mike's car. He had a suitcase in each hand. Before Mike had time to react, the man was in the back seat of the Admiral.

"Drive! Drive!" Yelled the man in the back seat. Mike obeyed and sped the car around. He began heading north.

"You Leo?" Asked Mike.

"Yeah." Said the man in the back seat, visibly out of breath, "Leo Teal. Who are you?"

"I'm, ah, Mike." Said Mike, "They call me the Goon." Suddenly a black FBI Rancher, sirens blaring, pulled out in front of Mike's car. He swerved to avoid it and continued to speed down the road.

"Can you believe that?" Said Leo, "At the exact moment we're shooting up this deal, a truck-load of feds is driving down the block. Shit. Talk about bad luck. Dealers got away though. At least some of 'em did."

"What about your guys?" Questioned Mike.

"Their fine." Replied Leo, "I got the feds attention while they made a run for it." The black Rancher pulled back up behind them. "How're we gonna shake these assholes?"

"I can lose 'em." Replied Mike. He pulled a hard left onto the bridge to Starfish Island. The Rancher did the same.

"Shit." Said Leo as he loaded his assault rifle, "Still on us. I'll take care of 'em though." Leo rolled down the Admiral's rear left-hand window and leaned out. "Eat shit you pig-fuckers!" Leo opened fire on the Rancher behind them. He sprayed the windshield with bullets, hitting the driver, and causing the Rancher to lose control and crash into a palm tree. "Fuck yeah!" Said Leo, "Hell hath no fury like a chef scorned!"

"You're a chef?" Asked Mike.

"Yeah." Said Leo, "Chef, hitman, drug dealer. I'm a man of many talents. Why else did you think we were taking the stuff to Eugene's restaurant? That's where I work. I'm gonna get the money back to Diaz once the heat dies down, after taking my cut of course, and then sell the drugs from my kitchen. It's a good system I got going."

"I'll say." Said Mike. They drove off of Starfish Island and into Ocean Beach.

"Here's Eugene's place up here." Said Leo. Mike pulled into the alley behind the resteraunt. Before Leo climbed out of the car, he popped open one of the suitcases. "Here's your payment. You kept your cool back there." Leo handed Mike some cash.

"Thanks man." Mike said as he pocketed the money.

"I do hits for this guy." Said Leo, "They call him Mr. Black. He contacts me over the phone. Never seen him in person. Anyway, I got a job coming up, and I could use some backup. You up for it?"

"Sure. Name the time." Replied Mike.

"Tomorrow," said Leo, "around noon. Drop by the kitchen. Use the back door. Eugene doesn't like me talking to other guys. He's so protective. That's why I love him." Leo grabbed the suitcases and climbed out of the car.

"Uh," said Mike, "sure thing. I'll drop by. I'll be sure to use the back door." Leo walked away from the car and entered a building. "Didn't see that one coming." Mike said to himself as he pulled out of the alley and headed back to Diaz's mansion.


	2. The Party

Grand Theft Auto Vice City

The Life and Times of Mike The Goon

Chapter 2

The Party

Mike "The Goon" woke up to the sound of his clock radio buzzing. He hit the button on top of it, and stood up. The phone beside his bed began to ring. He picked it up and put it to his ear.

"Hello?" Said Mike.

"It's Ricardo." Said the voice on the phone, "There's a party on Colonel Cortez's yacht down at the marina. I need you to come with me."

"Can't you go by yourself?" Questioned Mike, "Do you really need a chaperone?"

"Of course I could go by myself!" Replied Diaz, "It's not about protection you idiot. It's about showing my status. The President has fifty secret service dick-heads watching him at all times. Do you really think anyone's out to hurt the President? No. He's just showing off his status!"

"Mr. Diaz," Mike began, "someone just shot the President a few years ago, and you're saying that no one wants to hurt him?"

"Shut-up." Said Diaz, "Just come to my mansion and pick me up. I'm already late." Mike got dressed and left his apartment. He got in his red Sentinel and drove to Starfish Island. When he arrived at Diaz's mansion, Diaz and another bodyguard were already waiting for him outside. Mike parked his car by the stairs and got out.

"Come on." Said Diaz, "We'll take my Stretch." Diaz, Mike and the other bodyguard walked over to Diaz's Stretch limousine. Diaz climbed in the back, while Mike got in the driver's seat, and the other bodyguard in the passenger seat. "Step on it." Said Diaz, "I've heard of fashionably late, but this is fucking ridiculous!" Mike drove off of Starfish Island and towards the marina. By the time they arrived at the Colonel's yacht, the party was already in full swing. Mike had attended several of Colonel Cortez's parties before, but always as Diaz's muscle. "Great. We're here. Let's go." Said Diaz.

Diaz led the way as Mike and the bodyguard followed. Diaz led them into a door at the back of the yacht, and through it's interior. They climbed up a set of stairs onto the deck. Mike looked around at some of the guests. He recognized the state congressman, Alex Shrub, standing with a scantily clad woman. He also noticed BJ Smith, former tight-end for the Vice City Mambas, Jezz Torrent, lead singer of Love Fist, and Gonzales, Colonel Cortez's right-hand man. Gonzales was also a snitch, and informed Diaz of all of the Colonel's drug deals. Mike noticed Colonel Juan Garcia Cortez himself, and Diaz approached him.

"Colonel!" Greeted Diaz, "You party's as ever are a triumph!" Diaz laughed as he shook Cortez's hand, "I can only apologize for my late arrival."

"Ah, de nada amigo." Relied Cortez, "How do we find you?"

"Our business is very trying." Said Diaz, "Barbarians at the gates. A time for rewarding one's friends, and liquidating one's enemies, amigo." Diaz looked around at the other guests. He noticed a young woman in a purple dress standing with a man in a blue suit. Mike recognized her as Cortez's daughter. "Mercedes!" Diaz called out to her.

"Oh," said the girl, "I was just taking my friend back into town. Another time, Ricardo!" Mercedes and the man in the blue suit hurried off of the boat.

"Ricardo," said Cortez, "let's go over the layout of this deal you're setting up while we have some drinks." Cortez led Diaz to a table by the front of the boat. Diaz sat down, and so did Cortez. Mike remained standing behind Diaz. A waitress came by and sat two tropical looking drinks down on the table.

"I'm a little unsure about it." Said Diaz, "You know how deals can sometimes go bad. Like the one I heard about recently. You helped set that up didn't you? The deal down by the docks? Bad business. From what I hear you lost a lot of money and coke. Real shame."

"Yes." Said Cortez, "I did set that up. I'm surprised that you've heard of it. I though we had all kept pretty hush hush about the whole thing."

"Yes, well," said Diaz, "word travels. You know as well as I do that no one can be trusted."

"Indeed," replied Cortez, "but the good news is that the money and drugs lost were not my own. I just helped set up the deal between two groups of out-of-towners. Although I can't say it would have helped my reputation as someone who sets these things up. Though I can assure you that I will get to the bottom of it. Whoever is behind this will be punished."

"We can only hope so." Said Diaz, "Now, back to my deal. The Cubans are a shady sort. I don't know if I can fully trust them to go on with this deal fairly. And the Haitians! It's not impossible for those dick-heads to try something."

"Well," said Cortez, "if there's anything I can do..."

"There is." Said Diaz, "I was thinking you could loan me one of your men to oversee the deal. Like a guardian angel."

"Yes of course." Said Cortez, "I think I know just the man...." Mike suddenly remembered that he was supposed to meet with Leo Teal.

"Mr. Diaz," said Mike, "I'm going to have any part in this deal?"

"You?" Said Diaz, "No. I couldn't risk losing you on a little deal like this. And don't mistake that for general caring. You're just too good a gun to lose."

"Alright," said Mike, "then if I'm not going to be present at the Cuban deal, can I go? I got stuff to do."

"Fine," said Diaz, "go. You're doing nothing for my status anyway. No wonder the President's secret service men are always hidden in the shadows. When they walk with him in the open like this they make him look like a dick-head. Go!" Mike hurried off the yacht, and down the dock to the parking lot. He looked around. A shiny red Banshee caught his eye.

The licence plate read, "BJSM1TH".

"Mr. Smith can afford another one." Mike said to himself, "After all, he owns a used car dealership." Mike opened the door of the Banshee and sped off towards Eugene's restaurant. He was already late for his meeting with Leo. "I've heard of fashionably late," Mike said, "but this is fucking ridiculous."


	3. Two Bit Hit

Grand Theft Auto Vice City

The Life and Times of Mike The Goon

Chapter 3

Two Bit Hit

Mike "The Goon" pulled into the alley behind Eugene's restaurant in Ocean Beach, Vice City. He parked his red Banshee and climbed out. He walked over to the back door of the restaurant and knocked on it. The door swung open and Leo Teal came walking out.

"Mike you fucking goon!" Said Leo, "You're almost an hour late. I thought you was gonna turn up dead in some back alley somewhere!"

"I'm sorry man." Said Mike, "I got caught up at some party with Diaz."

"Yeah." Said Leo, "That Diaz is a prick. But selling his merchandise is keeping me rich as can fuckin' be! Maybe soon I can give up this chef's game. Me and Eugene can finally fulfil our dream of going to San Fierro and playing ultimate disk in the dark...."

"Okay..." Said Mike, "So, uh... You said you needed some back-up on a job?"

"Oh yeah." Said Leo, "I've gotta do a hit on a Haitian gang lord. He's coming back from a trip to Haiti and should be arriving at Escobar International Airport any second now. The Haitians have been having some trouble with the Cubans lately so he's gonna have security up the ass. My plan is to kill as few of his bodyguards as possible. I just wanna get in, kill the gang lord, and get out."

"Where do I fit in?" Asked Mike.

"You wait by the car." Said Leo, "After I kill the target, I'm gonna come running to you like a bat outta hell. You need to be ready to take out anyone on my ass. There's no guns allowed in the airport, so they should be unarmed. Then, when I reach the car, you're gonna drive us outta there. Understand?"

"I got it." Said Mike, "Let's go before we miss the guy." Mike and Leo walked over to the red Banshee. Mike got behind the wheel and Leo got in the passenger seat.

"Nice car." Said Leo.

"Thanks," said Mike, "it was a gift from BJ Smith."

"No kiddin'?" Said Leo, "I'm a huge fan of the Mambas. Can you get me an autograph?"

"No," said Mike, "I'm afraid I won't be seeing him for awhile."

"Ah, too bad." Said Leo, "But when you do."

"I'll be sure to get you one." Said Mike. Mike pulled out of the alley and started heading west towards the airport. As they drove over the bridge connecting Little Havana to Ocean Beach, Mike asked, "So why are you whacking this guy?"

"Well," said Leo, "Mr. Black called me up and asked me to do it. I don't know too much about why Mr. Black wants it done, but it probably has something to do with the Cubans." Mike drove off of the bridge and into Little Havana. He continued to drive west, towards the airport. Mike drove past the airport's fuel depot. He finally arrived at the airport's main terminal, and parked across the street.

"Alright," said Leo, "I'm gonna go in there. I already have the guard paid off so he won't take my pistol. He'll blame the security breach on some other guard, and they'll blame it on some other guard and so on and so on. Eventually they'll just give up on finding out who's responsible. Here." Leo reached inside his jacket and pulled out an uzi. He handed it to Mike.

"What do I do again?" Asked Mike.

"Like I said," replied Leo, "stand by the car, and take out anyone on my ass."

"Sure thing." Said Mike. Leo climbed out of the car and started walking towards the airport. Mike climbed out and stood behind the car, hiding the uzi between him and the Banshee. He watched as Leo crossed the street and entered the terminal. As he passed through the metal detector it beeped. The guard by the door patted Leo down, then let him continue on. Mike saw Leo climb up the escalators at the back of the building, then disappear to the second floor. Mike waited. Everything was silent. Seconds passed, then minutes, and still nothing. Then, suddenly, two shots rang out from within the terminal. Mike pulled up his uzi and rested it on the roof of the car. Leo came running out of the airport, pistol in hand, with five Haitian gang members running after him. Mike took aim as Leo and the Haitians got closer. Leo was close enough that Mike could hear what he was saying.

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit!" Leo repeated as he ran towards the car. Mike opened fire on the Haitians. His first burst of fire took one down. He fired again, taking another Haitian down. Leo jumped and slid across the Banshee's hood, landing beside Mike. Mike fired again taking down another gang member. Leo jumped up and fired his pistol at the Haitians. He managed to kill one with a headshot. Mike dispatched the final Haitian. He ran around to the drivers side and got in. Sirens could already be heard in the distance. Leo jumped into the passenger seat. Mike stepped on the gas and the car squealed away.

"What happened?" Asked Mike, "Did you kill him?"

"Yeah." Heaved Leo, out of breath, "I got him. Right in the back of the head. Almost fell running down the escalators though. Great stuff. What a rush."

"I'll say." Said Mike, "So are we headed back to Eugene's?"

"No." Said Leo, "That bitch would just nag me about killing people. Take me downtown to the Mars Café. I gotta see Moweesha."

"Who's Moweesha?" Asked Mike as he continued to drive north.

"A male prostitute." Said Leo, "He did some crazy stuff with a manatee one time. You wouldn't know him."

"I should hope so." Said Mike, "But what would Eugene think if he heard you were off seeing male prostitutes?"

"Hey," said Leo, "what Eugene don't know don't hurt him." Mike arrived at the Mars Café in downtown.

"Here we are." Said Mike.

"Thanks for the help Mike." Said Leo, "Here's some cash for your assistance."

"No problem." Said Mike, "Anytime. Have a good time with, uh, Moweesha." Leo got out of the car.

"I will," said Leo, "believe me, I will."


	4. Back Alley Brawl

Grand Theft Auto Vice City

The Life and Times of Mike The Goon

Chapter 4

Back Alley Brawl

Mike finally had a day off. No Diaz. No work. No nothing. He decided that he would do something for himself for once. He was going to cruise the Ocean Beach strip, check out the ladies, and get something to eat from one of the many fabulous restaurants. He climbed into his red Sentinel and drove off. Before long he was in Ocean Beach. He drove down the strip and checked out the restaurants. He passed the Ocean View Hotel which was, as always, deserted. He also drove past the Front Page Café and saw two DBP Security guards standing by the entrance. As he approached the north-end of the strip he noticed one particularly popular restaurant. There were several cars parked out front. Mike pulled over and looked at the sign on the restaurant. It read, "Eugene's".

"Huh," Mike said to himself, "so this is what the front of the place looks like." Mike had only seen the back of the building during his meetings with Leo. He decided that Eugene's was as good a place as any, and got out of his car. Mike jogged across the street and walked through the front doors. Inside the lights were low and soft music was playing. There were several people on dates, as well as several flamboyant looking men. The silence was broken by the sound of two men yelling.

"You're a whore!" Said one man, "Just as much as he is, you're a whore!"

"He's an escort." Said the other man, "Very high class. You know Congressmen Shrub? He enjoys the company of escorts! Why can't I?!" Mike looked over at the two men. One of them was Leo Teal, dressed in a full chef's uniform. The other man, Mike assumed, was Eugene, dressed in bright colours. Mike walked over to separate the two men.

"Hey Leo!" Said Mike, "What's going on?"

"Oh nothing much Mike," said Leo, "but I don't think I can hang around with you anymore. Eugene here might think you're a whore!"

"You give a man money," said Eugene, "and then he does things with a manatee! If that's not a whore I don't know what is!" A phone started ringing. Leo reached into his pocket and pulled out a cell phone.

"Yeah, yeah." Said Leo, "I gotta take this call. I'll see you around Mike. Sorry about Eugene here. Poor guy's never heard of an escort!" Leo turned and walked out the back door into the alley.

"An escort?!" Eugene yelled after Leo, "You wait and see what happens to your whore-escort!" Eugene turned and looked at Mike, "You. Mike right?"

"Uh, yeah." Replied Mike.

"You do work, huh?" Questioned Eugene.

"Uh....depends what kind of work..." Mike responded cautiously.

"You kill people, right?" Said Eugene, "You're a murderer like Leo?"

"Yeah." Said Mike, "If the pay is right."

"Well," Said Eugene, "I've got LOTS of money. I'm beginning to think it's the only reason Leo still hangs around me. If I were to pay you, very well I might add, could you kill someone for me?"

"Hey I'm sorry," said Mike, "but me and Leo are buddies, I can't kill him."

"No." Said Eugene, "Not Leo you stupid man. Moweesha. Leo's man-whore."

"Uh, well yeah." Said Mike.

"Good." Said Eugene, "The whore hangs out downtown at the Mars café. That's where he sells his filthy body. You'll recognize him. He looks like a whore. A filthy, filthy whore!"

"Alright! Calm down." Said Mike, "I'll take care of Moweesha. Just calm down. People are staring. I don't want them to think I'm your lover too." Mike walked out of the restaurant. "Another job I guess," Mike said to himself, "on my day off."

Mike walked back to his red Sentinel and climbed in. He headed north to Vice Point, then west to Prawn Island. He continued west off of Prawn Island and into Downtown. Mike finally arrived at the Mars Café and parked across the street. He opened his glove box and pulled out a 9mm pistol. He tucked the pistol in the front of his pants and walked to the café. He stopped on the outdoor patio and looked around. There were several colourful characters sitting around. There was a man who had clearly been stabbed in the stomach, yet nobody seemed to notice or care. He just sat there bleeding to death and drinking his tea. There was a fat guy, surrounded by women, who was stirring cocaine into his coffee. Then there was the pimp. Mike instantly recognized him as a pimp based on his style of dress and overall attitude. Mike couldn't find anyone who appeared to be Moweesha, so he approached the pimp.

"Hey there big man." Greeted the pimp as he saw Mike coming over, "Looking to get your dick sucked or your ass fucked?"

"No thanks." Replied Mike, "I'm looking for Moweesha."

"Oooh, Moweesha!" Said the pimp, "You are a man of taste. I'm sorry but our last manatee died and we can't get another one for a week, if that's what you were interested in seeing."

"No." Said Mike, "No Manatees. I just want to see Moweesha."

"Well then." Said the pimp, "It's all business for the business man. Follow me." The pimp led Mike to the alley behind the café.

There he stood. In all his glory. The one. The only. Moweesha! Moweesha was leaning against a wall and smoking a cigarette. Moweesha could just as easily be a woman as a man. He was in full drag. He had a long dark wig and high heels. He wore bright red lipstick and fishnet stockings, with a woman's corset to finish off the whole ensemble.

"Well then," said Moweesha as he saw the pimp with Mike, "what do we have here? A customer?"

"Well Moweesha," said the pimp, "this gentleman here said he wanted to see you."

"Here I am baby." Said Moweesha as he walked closer to Mike, "See me." Moweesha walked right up to Mike. Moweesha was about seven feet tall. He pressed his leg between Mike's legs. "Is that a gun in your pants," said Moweesha, "or are you just happy to see me?"

"Nope." Said Mike as he reached for his pistol, "You were right the first time, it's a gun." He pulled out his 9mm and shot Moweesha four times in the stomach. Like a great tower Moweesha fell. He hit the floor, dead.

"Oh shit!" Said the pimp as he turned and ran. Mike spun around and fired after the pimp, hitting him twice in the back. The pimp dropped down screaming. Mike walked up behind him and fired another shot through the back of his head. Mike left the alley and looked at the patio of the Mars Café. Things were unchanged. As if nobody had heard the gunshots or the screaming. The stabbed man kept on bleeding, the fat guy put another spoon full of coke into his coffee. The only thing missing was the pimp in the corner.

"Damn," Mike said as he walked back to his car, "what a way to spend my day off."


	5. Jury Fury

**Grand Theft Auto Vice City**

**The Life and Times of Mike The Goon**

**Chapter 5 **

**Jury Fury**

Mike was awakened by a loud ringing. He sat up in his bed and looked out the window. The sun had only just risen. He looked around to find the cause of the ringing, and realized it was his phone.

"Jesus." Said Mike, "Who's calling me this early?" He picked up the phone and put it to his ear. "Hello?"

"Aieeee!" The voice on the other end screamed in a high pitch voice, "Mike! Oh Mike! It's Eugene!"

"Eugene," Mike said as he stood up, "calm down. What's the matter?"

"It's Leo!" Said Eugene, "He's dead!"

"What?!" Questioned Mike, "Leo's dead? Who killed him?!"

"I don't know! I don't know!" Replied Eugene, "You need to get down to my restaurant NOW!" Eugene slammed the phone down and Mike was left with silence. He got out of bed and quickly got dressed. He ran out to his red Sentinel and hit the gas. He sped south towards Ocean Beach. When he hit the strip the only people walking around were homeless people. He hit the brakes on his car and squealed to a stop in front of Eugene's. Mike quickly ran into the restaurant. He spotted Eugene standing by a fish tank, checking his nails. He looked surprisingly calm.

"Eugene!" Said Mike as he walked up to him, "What's going on? Leo's dead?"

"Huh?" Said Eugene looking up at Mike, "Oh yes, Leo. Someone beat him to death. Right in the back alley. Leo always spent so much time in that alley. I'm not surprised that it should be the place he where he dies."

"What about the guy who did it?" Asked Mike.

"Him?" Eugene replied, "He was some guy in a Hawaiian shirt. I don't understand how someone can where a shirt like that. I mean talk about bad taste. Does he want to look like a tourist?"

"I mean what happened to him?" Said Mike, "Where'd he go?"

"Well," began Eugene, "from what I was told, he came, beat Leo to death, stole his phone, and then ran off with some other man. Some of the kitchen staff tried chasing them down, but they got in a white Infernus and sped off."

"Why would they do this to Leo?" Questioned Mike.

"Well whatever it was," said Eugene, "I'm sure Leo deserved it. He had it coming to him with the violent lifestyle he lived...."

"Don't worry, Eugene." Said Mike, "I'll track these guys down. Leo will be avenged!"

"No, don't bother." Said Eugene, "I hated Leo. It's a relief to be free from him!"

"Wait," said Mike, "then why did you call me down here?"

"Because," Eugene replied, "Leo was cheating on me!"

"With someone other than Moweesha?" Said Mike, "But why do you care if you hated him?"

"It's not how I felt about Leo," replied Eugene, "it's how Leo felt about me. Can you imagine the nerve of that man?! Not only did he cheat on me with one whore, he cheated on me with TWO! I need retribution for this insult!"

"Alright, alright." Siad Mike, "Who else was Leo sleeping with?"

"Giorgio Forelli." Eugene replied as he went back to checking his nails.

"Giorgio Forelli?!" Exclaimed Mike, "Do you know who he is?! Do you know who his cousin is?! If I kill Giorgio, the bloody Liberty City mob is gonna come down here and rip me a new asshole! Hell, they'll rip me two!"

"Hey," replied Eugene, "I didn't say anything about killing him! I just said that I needed retribution."

"Explain." Said Mike.

"Well," said Eugene, "that scumbag Giorgio has been defrauding the government. I saw him the other night in my restaurant, all bandaged up. He said he was in a helicopter accident, and that the government was sending him disability cheques. I knew that bastard was lying about being injured. All I needed was confirmation. So I followed him back to his mansion on Starfish Island. Sure enough, about fifteen minutes after he limped his way into his house, he came walking out perfectly fine, and in full drag."

"Oh God," said Mike, "no more transvestites!"

"Just one more!" Said Eugene, "Just do this for me, and I can help you be successful in this town."

"Help me how?" Questioned Mike.

"Well," said Eugene, "remember when you said that if you killed Giorgio, the mob would come down to Vice City? Well maybe they're already here...."

"What do you mean?" Asked Mike.

"Expose Giorgio, and I'll explain everything." Replied Eugene. Eugene grabbed a camera off of a nearby table and handed it to Mike. "Giorgio should be hanging out behind the Malibu Club. Go take some photos of him, then drop the camera off at the Washington Beach police station. When they see that Giorgio isn't really injured, they'll put him away for five years!" Mike nodded and walked out the front door with the camera in his hand.

"Time to shoot another cross-dresser." Said Mike, "With a camera this time." Mike got into his car and headed towards the Malibu Club. It was still early, and the homeless had only partially dispersed. Mike drove past the police station, and continued north. He could see the neon glow of the Malibu in the distance. As he drove by the club, he could hear the pop music coming from inside. People had been partying in the Malibu all night. Mike pulled over across from the club and looked around. He noticed two bouncers dragging a young man out of the club and dropping him on the sidewalk.

"Oi!" Said the man in a Cockney accent, clearly drunk, "I swear, that bird sat on me hand! Honest! I didn't pinch her arse on purpose! Do you ponces know who I am? You bloody wankers!" Mike watched as the Cockney youth stumbled down the street. He stopped as he noticed something behind the club. "Hello gorgeous." The Cockney youth said, "Where have you been all my life?" Mike watched as the Cockney youth stumbled behind the club. Mike climbed out of his car and grabbed the camera. He walked down the street until he had a clear view behind the club. Standing behind the club was the Cockney youth talking with what appeared to be a woman. Mike looked through the camera and zoomed in on the woman. He now saw that the _woman_ was definitely not a woman. He recognized it as Giorgio Forelli in drag. Mike snapped a photo.

"Gotcha." Mike said to himself. He snapped three more photos of Giorgio dressed as a woman, uninjured, and talking to the Cockney youth. Giorgio never even noticed Mike taking the photos. Mike walked back to his car, and drove to the police station. He left the camera on the steps, and headed home. The sun was high in the sky and the homeless had almost completely disappeared from the streets. As Mike drove, his car phone began to ring. He answered it.

"It's Diaz." Said the voice on the phone, "Apparently, that dick-head Gonzales has some new info for me. Go pick him up at his penthouse."

"I'll do it," said Mike, "but only if Gonzales isn't wearing a dress."


	6. Treacherous Swine

**Grand Theft Auto Vice City**

**The Life and Times of Mike The Goon**

**Chapter 6 **

**Treacherous Swine**

Mike pulled his red Sentinel over to the side of the road down the street from Gonzales' apartment. He could see the police cars blocking off the street, and the white sheet, stained red, doing it's best to cover up Gonzales' grossly disfigured corpse. Mike dialled Diaz's number on his car phone.

"What is it now?" Said Diaz as he picked up.

"If you still want me to pick up Gonzales," replied Mike, "I'm gonna need a garbage bag and a few buckets."

"What do you mean?" Questioned Diaz.

"I mean that Gonzales is dead." Mike said, "He's been hacked to bits outside of his penthouse. The cops have blocked the place off. I can't get near it."

"Shit." Said Diaz, "Cortez must have got wise to Gonzales' big mouth, and sent one his boys to give him the old chainsaw treatment. Oh well. I was getting suspicious of him as well."

"What about the new info he had for you?" Questioned Mike.

"It couldn't have been that urgent if the treacherous swine couldn't have just told me over the phone." Replied Diaz, "But forget about the unfortunately loud mouthed Mr. Gonzales, just get your ass over to my mansion. You've been out there screwing around on your own all morning, and my business dealings are that much more behind because of it. Vamos." Diaz hung up, and Mike did the same.

Before Mike headed to Diaz's mansion on Starfish Island, he payed another visit to Eugene's restaurant. He parked out front, and walked inside. He spotted Eugene talking to a familiar looking Cockney youth.

"Eugene. The pictures are taken and delivered." Mike said as he approached the flamboyant restaurant owner.

"Excellent." Replied Eugene, "Now that scumbag Giorgio will know not to fuck with Eugene, or his men!"

"You said that if I did this job for you, you could help me in this town." Said Mike, "What did you mean?"

"Well," began Eugene, "may I introduce you to a good friend of mine, and a frequent customer of my restaurant, Kent Paul." Eugene pointed to the Cockney youth standing beside him.

"Hey." Greeted Mike.

"Oi mate." replied Paul, "How's it hangin'?"

"Paul here was telling me a fascinating story last night," said Eugene, "weren't you Paulo?"

"Yeah." Said Paul, "Eugene said you'd be a man interested in hearin' it. There's this new mug in town. Goes by the name Vercetti. Tommy or somethin'. Apparently he's here on business for some mafia family up in Liberty. Tryin' to set up a drug operation in Vice. So get this, the first day he's here, his deal get's jumped. Loses the drugs and the money, and a few of his boys along the way. 'Course he comes to me for info. I mean, why wouldn't he? If somebody knows something, it's gonna be me, right?"

"So what did you tell him?" Questioned Mike.

"Uh..." Replied Paul, "Nothin'. Of course. Why would I go blabbin' to every buglemeister who comes askin', right?"

"Thanks for the info." Said Mike, "I'll keep it in mind." Mike turned and headed for the door, "I'll see you around Eugene."

"I'm sure you will." Called Eugene, "I'm sure you will..."


	7. Hog Tied

**Grand Theft Auto Vice City**

**The Life and Times of Mike The Goon**

**Chapter 7**

**Hog Tied**

Mike finally arrived at Diaz's mansion. He climbed out of his red Sentinel and looked around. He spotted Ricardo Diaz himself standing by a blue Cheetah sports car. He was repeatedly stomping on something behind the car.

"Shit on my car?" Exclaimed Diaz, "Huh? Pigeon? I don't think so. Feathered rat. Piece of shit. You shit on my car, I stomp on you! Huh? Understand?"

"Hey, I, uh, think it's got the message." Said Mike as he approached his hot headed boss, "You wanted to see me?"

"Yeah." Said Diaz, out of breath, "Pigeons think, they can do what they want. I need to show them that they can't! This little guy, he's gonna be crucified, right above my driveway here. A message to the other pigeons. Come sit with me on the stairs Mike. I think I need a rest." Diaz and Mike walked to the mansion's front steps and sat down.

"What do you want me to do Mr. Diaz?" Asked Mike.

"As you may have heard," began Diaz, "Leo Teal got his brains stomped out the other day."

"So I've been told." Replied Mike.

"He was a good seller," continued Diaz, "a little fruity, but he got the job done. And now, without him to sell my merchandise, I've needed to resort to other methods. There's this group of hoods. A bunch of wannabe gang bangers. They hang out on Prawn Island. I've been trying to convince them to sell my stuff, but before they'll do it, I need to do them a favour."

"You mean I need to do them a favour." Said Mike, "Right?

"Exactly." Said Diaz, "They have a rivalry with the bikers. They want you to steal Mitch Baker's prized Angel, and deliver it to their hideout behind the Ammunation, Downtown."

"So, let me get this right." Said Mike, "I need to go steal a motorcycle belonging to Mitch Baker, the leader of a gang of blood thirsty killers on two wheels, and then get it to the back of the Ammunation, all without getting shot in the ass fifty times?"

"I knew you'd understand." Said Diaz, "Take my Cheetah. It's covered it pigeon shit. I don't need it anymore."

"Sure thing boss." Replied Mike. He climbed into the Cheetah and pulled out of the mansion's drive way. Mike floored it across Starfish Island, and across the bridge into Little Havana. He headed north through Little Haiti, and finally reached Downtown Vice City. Mike slowed down as he approached the Biker's hangout, The Greasy Chopper. He parked the Cheetah behind the bar, and popped the trunk. Just as Mike had suspected, Diaz had left him a gift in the car. A SPAS 12 shotgun, fully loaded and ready to go.

Mike, shotgun in hand, crept around the side of the bar. He peeked around the corner, and spotted Mitch's bike. The path was clear. He ran around the corner towards the bike, but just as he passed the bar's front entrance, three burly, drunk bikers came walking out. Mike instinctively pointed his gun, and pulled the trigger. The shotgun blast sent all three bikers flying backwards and bloody. Mike stuck the shotgun into a holster on the side of the bike, and hopped on. He turned the ignition, and she roared to life.

"What the hell?" An angry voice came from behind Mike, but he didn't look back. He cranked the throttle, and took off on Mitch Baker's prized Angel. "Get after that sonovabitch!" The voice yelled again. Mike was soon joined on either side by two bikers on Freeways as he flew through Downtown. The biker on his right pulled out an UZI and aimed it at Mike's head. Mike leaned forward and his bike pulled ahead just in time. The UZI fired right into the biker on Mike's left. The biker and his Freeway swerved off the road and crashed into telephone pole. Mike pulled out the shotgun with one hand, and aimed it back at the other biker. He fired the shotgun, sending the biker into a back flip off his motorcycle. The Freeway continued to ride on it's own for a few seconds, before losing control and sliding to a halt in the middle of the road. Mike spotted the Ammunation sign in the distance. He sped up towards it. Mike swerved around the store to it's back. He was surprised and worried to see that there was no entrance to the compound behind the store where he was supposed to deliver the bike to. He stopped the bike and stared up at the wall in his way.

"Shit." Mike said to himself, "What am I supposed to do now?" His questioned was answered by the sound of a large truck's horn coming towards him. He looked down the street and saw a Packer truck with it's ramp lowered hurtling towards the wall. Mike revved the bike and headed towards the truck. As he passed the Packer, he locked eyes with the driver. They nodded at one another. The truck driver was a member of the street gang Diaz was trying to employ, and he was here to help Mike get behind the Ammunation. Mike spun the bike around as he heard the sound of the truck crashing into the wall. He saw the Packer's ramp lined up with the wall. He revved the bike again. He took off. Mike, riding Mitch Baker's Angel traveled at top speed towards the ramp. He hit the jump and flew upwards. For a few seconds, time slowed down. Mike, and the bike, came slamming down onto the pavement behind the Ammunation. He hit the brakes, and brought the bike to a stop. A gang member came running over.

"Nice riding man. Those Biker's won't know what hit 'em!" Said the gang member, "You can tell Diaz that he has himself a deal! We'll sell his shit for him." Mike climbed off the Angel and began walking to the back door of Ammunation so he could leave. "The bike landed pretty hard, buddy." The gang member called out to Mike, "How are your nuts doing?"

Mike looked back at him, "They're killing me."


	8. The Chase

**Grand Theft Auto Vice City**

**The Life and Times of Mike The Goon**

**Chapter 8**

**The Chase**

Mike and another of Diaz's bodyguards accompanied a man in a Hawaiian shirt to Diaz's office. The man had showed up saying that Diaz had requested his presence. Diaz was in his office watching a horse race.

"Come on, baby, go!" Exclaimed Diaz as he watched his race, "Yeah! Yeah! Arrrr! Stupid Horse! I'll chop your head off! Grrrr..." Diaz noticed the man in the Hawaiian shirt, "Who is this dickhead?"

"Tommy Vercetti." Said the man, "You remember me." Mike realized that this was the man who Diaz had hired Leo Teal to ambush and rob. Though Mike was sure that Tommy was only here to get back his stolen money and drugs, he remained quiet.

"Excuse me. I'm a little anxious." Replied Diaz, "Never trust a goddamn horse! You do a good job - you work for me now."

"I work for money." Said Tommy.

"As I said amigo," continued Diaz, "you work for me now."

"I work for..." Tommy began.

"Shut up!" Diaz interrupted, "Some Judas has betrayed me. He thinks I don't know how much money I should be making, but stealing 3% is as good as stealing 100%. No one does this to me. NO ONE. You follow him from his apartment and you see where he goes! Later, we kill him." Diaz explained where to find the thief, and the other bodyguard escorted Tommy out of the mansion. Mike stayed behind.

"So I guess you couldn't trust those gang bangers after all." Said Mike.

"I can't trust anyone these days." Said Diaz, "But loyal men, like you and that dickhead Tommy. You are the ones I trust. The simple minded lackeys who follow my simple commands. Which is why I have yet another job for you."

"What is it this time Ricardo?" Questioned Mike.

"Hey!" Exclaimed Diaz, "That's Mr. Diaz, to you! Okay?"

"Uh...yeah." Said Mike, "Sorry, Mr. Diaz."

"As if thieving dope pushers aren't enough to deal with..." Said Diaz, "Now I have scumbag politicians breathing down my neck. Congressman Alex Shrub! That dickhead. To think of all the times I have personally sold him blow, and now he threatens my lively hood! He wants to criminalize what I hold dear!"

"Wait," said Mike, "Alex Shrub is cracking down on drugs? But he's the guy who legalized Giggle Cream."

"No, you moron!" Said Diaz, "Not drugs. Porn. Alex Shrub is trying to make pornography illegal. Something about family values. It's an outrage! He's giving a speech at the Pole Position club in Ocean Beach today. Don't let him give that speech! Understand?"

"Sure thing." Said Mike, "I'll go shoot a high ranking politician, at a public event, where he'll no doubt be surrounded by security guards armed to the teeth."

"I knew you'd understand." Said Diaz. Diaz grabbed a sniper rifle off a gun rack on his wall and tossed it to Mike, "Take this. Now why are you still here? Go! Vamos!"

Mike jogged out to his car, and drove towards Ocean Beach. When he got there, he saw the streets around the Pole Position club blocked off, and a stage set up out front. As Mike was climbing out of his car, his car phone began to ring. He sat back down and answered it.

"Hello?" Said Mike as he put it to his ear.

"Mike?" Said the voice on the other end, "This is Juan Cortez. I work with your boss, Diaz."

"Yeah. I know who you are." Said Mike.

"Good. Good." Said Cortez, "Listen, I was just speaking with Ricardo, and he told me about what you're about to do. You haven't done it yet, have you?"

"No." Said Mike, "Shrub isn't here yet."

"Good." Said Cortez, "I know that Diaz is your boss, but I have to advise against killing Shrub. Diaz tends to act without thinking. You see, Shrub has done wonders for the drug trade of which both Diaz and myself are a part of. His assassination would only pave the way for another politician who could only cause more problems."

"I understand what you're saying." Replied Mike, "Don't worry, I wasn't planning on killing Shrub anyway. You know as well as I do that Diaz's days on top are numbered. I'm just going to make sure that Congressman Shrub's speech has some technical difficulties. His body will remain free of bullet holes."

"Gracias, amigo." Said Cortez, "May I give you one more piece of advice?"

"Of course." Replied Mike.

"Let this be your last job for Diaz." Said Cortez, "As you said, his days are numbered."

"Thanks Colonel." Said Mike. Both men hung up there phones. Mike climbed out of his car, and looked towards the Pole Position club. A stage had been erected in front of the main doors. On the stage sat a podium and microphone. A golden coloured limo pulled in front of the stage. Alex Shrub climbed out. He walked onto the stage and up to the podium. Mike raised his sniper rifle and took aim at the neon sign that hung right above the congressman.

"People of Vice City," Shrub began, "there is sinful temptation now more than ever before. That's why I, Alex Shrub, would like to speak out against these temptations." Mike pulled the trigger. The neon sign exploded in a burst of sparks. Glass and coloured plastic rained down on the congressman. Bodyguards in black suits came running to his side. They shielded him and quickly led him off stage. He got back into his limo and sped off. The crowd which had formed quickly dispersed, with screaming citizens running in every direction. Mike tossed the rifle into his back seat and drove off towards his home.

"Mr. Diaz," Mike said to himself, "Mike the Goon has left the building."


End file.
